- Everyone you love, including you, is going to die. Worry less about dying; worry more about living in poor health.
- We give our lives’ meaning. If you feel that your life is meaningless, it’s your own fault – do something about it.
- The perfect partner, perfect relationship doesn’t exist. Focus on finding someone who has a lot of qualities you like, and the same values, and work together to build a fantastic relationship. Love is a verb.
- Life is filled with games and players, and you are going to have to play some of them. Find the games you like, learn the rules, know when to follow them, when to break them. Making money doesn’t make you a sell-out.
- Everything has an end: youth, jobs, relationships, love, life – it all ends. That’s why it’s valuable. Your time is limited; don’t waste is living someone else’s life.
- Be romantic, be hopeful, be loving. Affection is never wasted.
- Be realistic about big things. Life isn’t an after-school special. You need a plan, you need to change that plan, and you need to keep at it. It’s okay to have an artistic soul, but you need an engineering mindset.
- Figure a way out. If you can’t or won’t, stop complaining.
- You’re not immune from life’s disappointments. Sometimes you deserve them, sometimes you don’t. It doesn’t make you any better or any worse than anyone else.
- The world doesn’t owe you the job of your dreams at the time and place of your choosing. Success is hard work and difficult choices. If you want it, it means you will leave others behind.
- Be resilient enough to make the climb, but don’t die on the hill. The landscape of your life is filled with other hills, valleys, mountains, and vistas. No one view is more precious than another.
I see a lot of social media posts from people in angst over unrequited love. However, that love isn’t for disinterested romantic partners, rather it’s for jobs – jobs they never had.
Interviewing is a lot like dating, and the world is filled with bad advice on how to do both. Here’s mine:
Consider the Ubiquity of this Post
“Not hearing back from <prospective employer> is really hard. There is no closure or feedback, and it makes it incredibly challenging to gain insights to improve. It would be great if <prospective employers> were able to tell me why I wasn’t their best candidate, or that there were better candidates, or any kind of constructive feedback. Even if it’s harsh or disappointing, it will help me to be a better candidate.”Signed: Every Rejected Job Candidate Ever
Now, let’s replace <prospective employer> with <blind date>, and let’s consider the absurdity of this same post:
“Not hearing back from a <blind date> is really hard. There is no closure or feedback, and it makes it incredibly challenging to gain insights to improve. It would be great if each of my <blind dates> were able to tell me why I wasn’t their top candidate, or that there were better candidates, or any kind of constructive feedback. Even if it’s harsh or disappointing, it will help me to be a better <blind date>.”Signed: Seeking Validation from Strangers
Were I to publish the above is any self-help feed, no doubt I’d be hit with an avalanche affirmations to “be yourself,” and not to waste as single-second feeling bad about not hearing from my blind date, and that I should move on to someone who deserved me. Why don’t we feel the same about job interviews?
Interviewers Are NOT Better than You!
I’ve been on literally thousands of interviews over the course of my career. I’ve also had the misfortune to interview applicants. Let me assure you of one universal truth: The notion that the person who is interviewing you is somehow superior, more knowledgeable, more insightful, or “better” than you are is completely false.
We have been programmed to believe that any employer or anyone interviewing or evaluating us for employment is somehow a superior being. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sadly, many of the interviewers I’ve met over the years really have no business interviewing anyone! They have zero training, are terrible judges of character, and most are completely unaware of their implicit biases. Often they have little to no understanding of the job for which you’re interviewing, they’re unprepared, most know nothing about you, many haven’t even looked at your resume.
Worse, in far too many cases, an interviewer’s hubris and poor manners reflect poorly on the company and brand. As a result of this negative interview experience, the job applicant feels, “These guys are a bunch of ass-holes; I’m never working here…” Worse, that feeling is often shared with their friends and associates. This is why many companies now find themselves unable to attract talent.
People get rejected for jobs all the time. It has absolutely nothing to do with your qualifications or your worthiness, or your answer to this question or that question. Similarly, people get hired for jobs, and often it has nothing to do with their qualifications or worthiness, either. Stop internalizing rejection. It’s a number’s game. Keep throwing chips out on the board. Your number will come up.
“I have to fight the urge to stop looking once I’ve applied to a dream job. It’s a tough market and I need to keep looking and keep applying while I wait to hear back.“Signed: Living in a Dream World (It’s cozy inside)
Applying for a “dream job,” isn’t the same as being hired for your dream job. You should never be “waiting to hear back,” from anyone unless you’ve countered their offer of employment. Applying (even if you’re “perfect” for the job), and “waiting” for them to call you? That’s akin to buying a lottery ticket, and then not doing your laundry because your winnings will allow you to hire someone for that.
Keep in mind, even if a job description seems perfect for you, that doesn’t mean you’ll be interviewed. Once interviewed, it doesn’t mean you’ll be hired. Also, just because someone offers you a job doesn’t mean you’re going to accept it. And, just because you’re hired, it doesn’t mean you’re going to stay.
In my book, The Temp Job: A Survival Guide for the Contingent Worker, I recommend to never stop looking for work. I think we have all seen that life is very unpredictable, and jobs can change very quickly. Being employed is great, but in the long-run, it’s much safer and better to be employable.
You’re Mourning the Life You Thought You’d Have
Like buying a lottery ticket, whenever you interview for a job, it’s only natural to dream about your future life and the possibilities. If you’ve been out of work for a while, these emotions can be even more intense. Perhaps the gig is exactly what you’ve been seeking. It might be in a more desirable city or location, the building is in a swank area of town, you’re looking forward to making new friends. Maybe you are in a awful job now, and this opportunity seems like the golden ticket to the chocolate factory. You go to sleep at night with sugar plum fairies dancing in your head, and awaken to a world that is shiny and bright and full of possibility.
And then? You never hear from them.
You call, no response. You email, crickets. And, poof! The perfect life you imagined for yourself is gone, and you are left in disgust, despondency, and despair.
Consider that ghosting is really less about the employer, and more about lotto fever. You’re not upset over the loss of a job — a job you never had — you’re suffering from the loss of the “perfect” life you imagined this job would bring you.
But why, why??!! Why no call? If you consider that question in the same context as you would a blind date, you can easily see the answer: They found someone they liked more OR they’re not ready for a relationship. Those are the only reasons. Do I have to send you a letter? What else is there to know?
It’s a Conversation
“It’s difficult to maintain motivation when there’s a complete lack of responses and reactions to the vast majority of applications. Searching for a job can feel like pouring time and energy into a black hole never to see a return on the investment.”Signed: Confused about Investment v. Conversation
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve received from a professional head-hunter was this, “It’s a conversation, it’s a little bit of your time, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain,” and he’s 100 percent right!
Stop looking at applications and interviews as something you are entitled to receive a return on, like stock or real estate. Instead, look at every interview as if it were a conversation with friend or neighbor. I wouldn’t walk away from a cocktail party or conversation in the park thinking, “I spent so much time taking to her. I hope I’m not pouring my time into some black hole!”
If that doesn’t work, try to see your interviews as less of an evaluation of your worthiness and your credentials, and more of a low-pressure sales call. All great salespeople know the chance of rejection is high, but they also know that there’s a pipeline: You’re forming relationships, making an impression. Sometimes you make sale that day, most times you don’t. It doesn’t mean you’ve wasted your time. You got to meet people who are in your business. You got to practice interviewing, asking questions, listening, and evaluating jobs and companies. It’s a little bit of time that you spend paying it forward. I’ve had people call me y-e-a-r-s later after no-go interviews to ask me to join their team. I’ve had interviewers refer me to other companies. I’ve met friends and networking contacts. I’ve gotten referrals for hairdressers and restaurants and other services people. I’ve seen new areas of town, new cities, and learned new things. It’s just a conversation – go!
Ghosting is the Norm, Not the Exception
Life has changed since 1970’s when a secretary typed out rejection letters on her (never his) IBM Selectric, then, typed your address on an envelope, and then folded up the letter, put it in the envelope, and then ran the envelope through the postage meter, hoping the envelope wouldn’t catch on the flap, and rip the envelope. In which case, they would need to lather, rinse, and repeat. And why did they do this? To let you know that they were NOT going to hire you? Who in 2021 thinks this is a good use of anyone’s time?
I can hear all the, “Yes, but(s)” from here! Tough love time: We don’t live in that world anymore. Understand and accept that you will NOT hear from a prospective employer or staffing agent unless they’re interested in hiring you. If you can do that just much, you’ll save yourself a lot of ghosting angst.
My book, The Temp Job: A Survival Guide for the Contingent Worker offers straight-forward, no-nonsense advice to anyone navigating today’s labor market. If you’ve newly unemployed, or have never worked as a contractor or consultant, it’s essential reading.
Your job isn’t just a revenue source; your job is a relationship. And, interviewing for a job is a lot like dating. It’s 100% natural to be a little nervous and want to make a good impression, but not every date is going to result in a relationship, and that’s okay!
When interviewing, just like dating, focus less on yourself and more on your date. Spend less time thinking about what you want to say, and more time listening attentively, and asking thoughtful questions. In this way, both you and your prospective employer/client will feel comfortable pursuing a long-term a relationship.
If you are unemployed, DM me for a free copy.
Copyright 2021 Pierce/Wharton Research, LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this post shall be reproduced without permission.
To most of the world, success is never bad. When Hitler moved unchecked and triumphant, many honorable men sought and found virtues in him. And Mussolini made the trains run on time, and Vichy collaborated for the good of France, and whatever else Stalin was, he was strong.
Strength and success – they are above morality, above criticism. It seems then, that it is not what you do, but how you do it and what you call it.
Is there a check in men, deep in them, that stops or punishes? There doesn’t seem to be. The only punishment is for failure.
In effect no crime is committed unless a criminal is caught ~~ some men get hurt, some even destroyed, but this in no way deters the movement.John Steinbeck, The Winter of our Discontent, 1961
I’m a regular power-walker. Out-the-door before 7, back before 8. I do about two and a half miles each day – half flat, half hills. More on weekends if it’s cloudy. I allow myself one day a week to skip my AM walk. Usually Friday; never Monday. I started in my 40’s, and have kept it up for more than a decade.
Here’s what I’ve learned about exercise…
It MUST be a Morning Routine
Exercise is not about discipline, not about strength, not about willpower. Exercise is about routine. Change yours to include 30 minutes of walking in the morning. The routine will change your life.
“I’m NOT a morning person…” (Already with the excuses?) No one is asking you to host a TV talk show. You don’t need to be “on.” You need to get your ass out of bed.
Mornings are the only time you truly have control over your day. Once your day starts, you will be overcome by events. You’ll go after work? Liar. You can do more exercise after work should you choose (and eventually you will, like I did with my yoga practice), but as a minimum, you must commit to a routine of regular AM walks.
No One is “Motivated”
I hear this all the time, and it irritates the hell out of me. “I’m just not motivated to exercise….” What is it about Americans that we feel entitled to be “motivated” before we do anything? I’m completely unmotivated to clean the bathroom, empty the dishwasher, paint the house trim, or pick up dog poop. I also have zero motivation to be at work on time, but I do it anyway.
Anyone who sticks with an exercise routine has accepted that they will never feel motivated to do it. Ten plus years, I still don’t feel any more motivation than I did day one. Is it easier? Yes. Do I enjoy it? No. I tolerate it. There’s no joy; it’s not fun. As a grown-up, you need to accept that not everything you do in life is enjoyable. I accept that exercise is an unpleasant chore, and it’s a chore that only I can do. If I could hire someone to do it for me, I would.
Think of your AM power walks like the bus. No one is motivated to take the bus. But, if the bus is the only way to get to work, and your choices are 1) take the bus or 2) live under a bridge, you’ll change your schedule, and find a way to take the bus.
Forget an Exercise “Buddy”
Another piece of worthless advice given annually by skinny bitches on talk TV. You want a buddy? Get a dog. You and your chubby friends are NOT good motivators for each other (see above). What is more likely to happen is that you will talk each other out of going, or worse, talk each other into indulging your mutual bad habits (“Sandy was late, and I just wasn’t motived, so we went to Starbucks ….”)
It’s difficult enough to keep your own routine. If you attempt to intertwine it daily with another adult, you will fail. Focus on your time, your schedule, your needs. If you truly want a buddy, hire a trainer. They’re always happy to take your money, whether you show up or not.
Don’t Waste Time Looking Good
Every January, I see a big increase in the number of people on the trails, in the gym, and at the studio. When I attempt to predict who will still be there in March, my first cut are the ones who are dressed well.
People with real exercise routines aren’t interested in looking good (see: lack of motivation); they’ve expended all their energy just getting there. They’re dressed in shitty sweats, ripped tee shirts. Myself included. I roll out of bed, use the bathroom, and immediately put on the shorts, tee shirt, socks, and the hoodie I laid out the night before. Sneakers, ponytail, hook up the dog, and out the door. No makeup. No teeth brushing. No coffee. No cell phone. No internal bargaining. No distractions. No excuses.
The folks you see out at 6 am look just as shitty as you do, and they’re not interested in chatting. They’re tired, grumpy, and want to get it done so they can start their day.
Don’t Bring Anything with You
Poop bags are attached to the leash. No cell phone, no keys. Water? Plu-eeze! You’re not going to dehydrate in 30-60 minutes. Coffee, nope. Have it when you get back.
Why take nothing? Because it’s distracting. If I take my phone, I’m checking every single beep. If I turn off the beeps, I’m checking anyway. If something comes in, I’m tempted to respond. Keys? Don’t need ’em. Why take the chance of losing them? Water, coffee? I don’t want to carry anything.
Anything you take with you is a distraction. The longer you’re distracted, the longer it takes. Don’t dawdle. Get it done.
Now the good news: Once your routine is established (which takes about two weeks, couple months to seal it in), exercise will become easier. Easier is not enjoyable, however, easier is just a less painful. Other good news: As your body becomes more fit, it calls you toward foods that are less detrimental to your health. It will also call you toward longer walks, and bigger hills. This is about a lifestyle, not a goal. Honor your body, not your ego.
Most importantly, be mindful of negative self-talk. Replace “I’m so fat, and out of shape,” with “I’m out here doing it, not just talking about it.” Replace “I’ll never be able to climb that hill,” with “I’ll take the hill little-by-little, and stop whenever I want to catch my breath. It’s not a competition.” And, finally, replace “I can’t wait until I’m thin, and I don’t have to do this anymore,” with “I’m committed to a lifetime of health, and I start every day renewing that commitment.”
Copyright 2021 Pierce/Wharton Research, LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this post shall be reproduced without permission.